I really believe that God spent time in forming our personalities uniquely and wonderfully. Each one of us is, to the same degree, loved before God and yet radically different because of this.
Whenever I catch myself allowing the creeping tendrils of ungodly jealousy working its way around my heart, I immediately remind myself that that’s stupid. God has given each one of us gifts, talents, and abilities, fitting to our individual callings. If we do not embrace these and instead cling onto the desire for others’ portions, then we miss out on our blessing and we miss out on blessing the world. Only you can do what you are called to do by God. No one else is going to do it so as I bluntly heard Jenn Johnson say once, “Stop trying to copy other people and just be yourself. Because no one else will.”
Moreover, I really think it is so crucial that we learn to see other people in the light that God sees us too, that we not only see people as prophets or worshipers, but that we see the quirks and details of each and every person’s character that makes them special before God. In the same light, we must see God’s lost sheep, too, not as projects, but as people with amazing personalities and the destiny to move in apostolic power.
Let us receive one another with the highest regard, that we may be able to receive the highest blessing bestowed upon each other by the King of glory.
Kimberly Jones
Welcome to my World
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Detox The Mind
God has an amazing plan for your life.
Anyone who claims to live in God’s light and hates a brother or sister is still in the dark.
1 John 2:9
I refuse to spend a second of my remaining time on this earth angry or vindictive towards anyone. Unforgiveness is crazy, it’s like you drinking the poison and waiting for them to die! Do you hold resentment and bitterness? God intended for us to live in peace and be happy. Let it go. Nobody can make you happy; you have to choose it for yourself.
The best revenge against someone who you feel wronged you is forgiveness. It’s you who will prosper and see all that god has in store for you. Don’t miss the door of happiness that’s opening because you are so angry at a door that’s closed.
God Bless
Anyone who claims to live in God’s light and hates a brother or sister is still in the dark.
1 John 2:9
I refuse to spend a second of my remaining time on this earth angry or vindictive towards anyone. Unforgiveness is crazy, it’s like you drinking the poison and waiting for them to die! Do you hold resentment and bitterness? God intended for us to live in peace and be happy. Let it go. Nobody can make you happy; you have to choose it for yourself.
The best revenge against someone who you feel wronged you is forgiveness. It’s you who will prosper and see all that god has in store for you. Don’t miss the door of happiness that’s opening because you are so angry at a door that’s closed.
God Bless
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Protecting Your Space
I love her to death, but it’s draining to talk to her.
Every time I call this friend of mine, I know what I’m in for: a half-hour tirade about everything that’s difficult, miserable or unfair.
Sometimes she focuses on the people who’ve wronged her (usually without merit) and other times she waxes poetic about the general hopelessness of life.
I tell myself I call because I care, but sometimes I wonder if I have ulterior motives–to pump up my ego offering good advice, or even to feel better about my own reality.
I’m no saint, and if there’s one thing I know well, we only do things repeatedly if we believe there’s something in it for us. Even if that something is just to feel needed.
I thought about this the other day when a reader wrote to me with an interesting question: how do you offer compassion to someone who doesn’t seem to deserve it? She went on to describe her offensive, sexist, racist boss who emotionally exhausts everyone around him. He sounds a lot more hateful than my friend, who is, sadly, just terribly depressed.
But these people have one thing in common: boundless negative energy that constantly seeks a target.
So today I started thinking about how we interact with negative or difficult people. People who seem unhappy, indignant, angry, or just plain rude.
When someone becomes a repeat offender, draining everyone around them, how do you maintain a sense of compassion without getting sucked into their doom? And how do you act in a way that doesn’t reinforce their negativity–and maybe even helps them?
Here’s what I’ve come up with:
1. Resist the urge to judge or assume.
It’s hard to offer someone compassion when you assume you have them pegged. He’s a jerk. She’s a malcontent. He’s an–insert other choice adjective. Even if it seems unlikely someone will wake up one day and act differently we have to remember it is possible.
When you think negative thoughts, it comes out in your body language. Someone prone to negativity may feel all too tempted to mirror that. Try coming at them with the positive mindset you wish they had. Expect the best in them. You never know when you might be pleasantly surprised.
2. Dig deeper, but stay out of the hole.
It’s always easier to offer someone compassion if you try to understand where they’re coming from. But that can’t completely excuse their behavior. If you show negative people you condone the way they act, you give them no real incentive to make a change (which they may actually want deep down).
It may help to repeat this in your head when you deal with them: “I understand your pain. But I’m most helpful if I don’t feed into it.” This might help you approach them with both kindness and firmness so they don’t manipulate you.
3. Maintain a positive boundary.
Some people might tell you to visualize a bright white light around you. This doesn’t actually work for me because I respond better to ideas in words than visualizations. So I tell myself this, “I can only control the positive space I create around myself.”
Then when I interact with this person, I try to do three things, in this order of importance:
Protect the positive space around me. When their negativity is too strong to protect it, I need to walk away.
Diffuse their negativity.
Help them feel more positive, not act more positive–which is more likely to create the desired result.
4. Disarm their negativity, even if just for now.
This goes back to the ideas I mentioned above. I know my depressed friend will rant about life’s injustices as long as I let her. Part of me feels tempted to play amateur psychiatrist–get her talking, and then try to help her reframe situations into a more positive light.
Then I remind myself I can’t change her whole way of being in one phone call. She has to want that. But I can help her focus on something positive right now, in this moment. I can ask about her upcoming birthday. I can remind her it’s a beautiful day for a walk. Don’t try to solve or fix them. Just aim to help them now.
5. Temper your emotional response.
Negativity loves getting a rise out of people. Someone to feel for the sob story. Someone to get outraged over the injustice. Someone to get offended by the racist joke. I suspect this gives them a little light in the darkness of their inner world–a sense that they’re not floating alone in their own anger or sadness.
People remember and learn from what you do more than what you say. If you feed into the situation with emotions, you’ll teach them they can depend on you for a reaction. It’s tough not to react because we’re human, but it’s worth practicing. Respond as calmly as you can with a simple line of fact, even if it’s unrelated. “Dancing with the Stars is on tonight. Planning to watch it?”
6. Question what you’re getting out of it.
Like I mentioned above, we often get something out of relationships with negative people. Get real honest with yourself: have you fallen into a caretaker role because it makes you feel needed? Have you gossiped in a holier-than-thou way? Do you have some sort of stake in keeping the things the way they are?
Questioning yourself helps you change the way you respond–which is really all you can control. You can’t make someone think, feel, or act differently. You can be as kind as possible or as combative as possible, and still not change reality for someone else. All you can control is what you think and do–and then do your best to help them without hurting yourself.
7. Remember the numbers.
Research shows that people with bad attitudes have significantly higher rates of stress and disease. Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health. If someone’s making life miserable for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse for themselves.
What a sad reality. That someone has so much pain inside them they have to act out, like a kid in a tantrum, just to feel some sense of relief–even if that relief comes from getting a rise out of people. When you remember how much a difficult person is suffering, it’s easier to stay focused on minimizing negativity, as opposed to defending yourself or making it worse.
8. Don’t take it personally–but know sometimes it is personal.
Conventional wisdom suggests you should never take it personally when you deal with a negative person. I think it’s a little more complicated than that. You can’t write off everything someone says because they’re insensitive or untactful. An abrasive person can come at you in the worst possible way with a valid point.
Accept that you don’t deserve the excessive emotions in someone’s tone, but weigh their ideas with a willingness to learn. Some of the most useful lessons I’ve learned came from people I wished weren’t right. When you give someone credit who deep down doesn’t think they deserve it, you may inspire a profound shift in how they interpret the world.
9. Act instead of just reacting.
Oftentimes we wait until someone gets angry or depressed to address their persistently negative way of being. If you know someone who seems to deal with difficult thoughts or feelings (as demonstrated in their behavior) don’t wait for a situation to be part of the solution.
Give them a compliment for something they did well. Remind them of a moment when they were happy–as in Remember when you scored that touchdown during the company picnic? That was awesome! You’re more apt to want to boost them up when they haven’t brought you down. This may help mitigate that later, and also give them a little relief from their pain.
10. Maintain the right relationship based on reality as it is.
With my friend, I’m always wishing she could be more positive. I consistently put myself in situations where I feel bad because I want to help. Because I want her to be happy. I’ve recently realized the best I can do is accept her as she is, let her know I believe in her ability to be happy, and then give her space to make the choice.
That means hanging up after I’ve made an effort to help. Or cutting a night short if I’ve done all I can and it’s draining me. Hopefully she’ll want to change some day. Until then, all I can do is love her, while loving myself enough to take care of my needs. Which often means putting them first.
I’ve learned you can’t always save the world. But you can make the world a better place by working on yourself–by becoming self-aware, tapping into your compassion, and protecting your positive space. You may even help negative people by fostering a sense of peace their negativity can’t pierce.
Every time I call this friend of mine, I know what I’m in for: a half-hour tirade about everything that’s difficult, miserable or unfair.
Sometimes she focuses on the people who’ve wronged her (usually without merit) and other times she waxes poetic about the general hopelessness of life.
I tell myself I call because I care, but sometimes I wonder if I have ulterior motives–to pump up my ego offering good advice, or even to feel better about my own reality.
I’m no saint, and if there’s one thing I know well, we only do things repeatedly if we believe there’s something in it for us. Even if that something is just to feel needed.
I thought about this the other day when a reader wrote to me with an interesting question: how do you offer compassion to someone who doesn’t seem to deserve it? She went on to describe her offensive, sexist, racist boss who emotionally exhausts everyone around him. He sounds a lot more hateful than my friend, who is, sadly, just terribly depressed.
But these people have one thing in common: boundless negative energy that constantly seeks a target.
So today I started thinking about how we interact with negative or difficult people. People who seem unhappy, indignant, angry, or just plain rude.
When someone becomes a repeat offender, draining everyone around them, how do you maintain a sense of compassion without getting sucked into their doom? And how do you act in a way that doesn’t reinforce their negativity–and maybe even helps them?
Here’s what I’ve come up with:
1. Resist the urge to judge or assume.
It’s hard to offer someone compassion when you assume you have them pegged. He’s a jerk. She’s a malcontent. He’s an–insert other choice adjective. Even if it seems unlikely someone will wake up one day and act differently we have to remember it is possible.
When you think negative thoughts, it comes out in your body language. Someone prone to negativity may feel all too tempted to mirror that. Try coming at them with the positive mindset you wish they had. Expect the best in them. You never know when you might be pleasantly surprised.
2. Dig deeper, but stay out of the hole.
It’s always easier to offer someone compassion if you try to understand where they’re coming from. But that can’t completely excuse their behavior. If you show negative people you condone the way they act, you give them no real incentive to make a change (which they may actually want deep down).
It may help to repeat this in your head when you deal with them: “I understand your pain. But I’m most helpful if I don’t feed into it.” This might help you approach them with both kindness and firmness so they don’t manipulate you.
3. Maintain a positive boundary.
Some people might tell you to visualize a bright white light around you. This doesn’t actually work for me because I respond better to ideas in words than visualizations. So I tell myself this, “I can only control the positive space I create around myself.”
Then when I interact with this person, I try to do three things, in this order of importance:
Protect the positive space around me. When their negativity is too strong to protect it, I need to walk away.
Diffuse their negativity.
Help them feel more positive, not act more positive–which is more likely to create the desired result.
4. Disarm their negativity, even if just for now.
This goes back to the ideas I mentioned above. I know my depressed friend will rant about life’s injustices as long as I let her. Part of me feels tempted to play amateur psychiatrist–get her talking, and then try to help her reframe situations into a more positive light.
Then I remind myself I can’t change her whole way of being in one phone call. She has to want that. But I can help her focus on something positive right now, in this moment. I can ask about her upcoming birthday. I can remind her it’s a beautiful day for a walk. Don’t try to solve or fix them. Just aim to help them now.
5. Temper your emotional response.
Negativity loves getting a rise out of people. Someone to feel for the sob story. Someone to get outraged over the injustice. Someone to get offended by the racist joke. I suspect this gives them a little light in the darkness of their inner world–a sense that they’re not floating alone in their own anger or sadness.
People remember and learn from what you do more than what you say. If you feed into the situation with emotions, you’ll teach them they can depend on you for a reaction. It’s tough not to react because we’re human, but it’s worth practicing. Respond as calmly as you can with a simple line of fact, even if it’s unrelated. “Dancing with the Stars is on tonight. Planning to watch it?”
6. Question what you’re getting out of it.
Like I mentioned above, we often get something out of relationships with negative people. Get real honest with yourself: have you fallen into a caretaker role because it makes you feel needed? Have you gossiped in a holier-than-thou way? Do you have some sort of stake in keeping the things the way they are?
Questioning yourself helps you change the way you respond–which is really all you can control. You can’t make someone think, feel, or act differently. You can be as kind as possible or as combative as possible, and still not change reality for someone else. All you can control is what you think and do–and then do your best to help them without hurting yourself.
7. Remember the numbers.
Research shows that people with bad attitudes have significantly higher rates of stress and disease. Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health. If someone’s making life miserable for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse for themselves.
What a sad reality. That someone has so much pain inside them they have to act out, like a kid in a tantrum, just to feel some sense of relief–even if that relief comes from getting a rise out of people. When you remember how much a difficult person is suffering, it’s easier to stay focused on minimizing negativity, as opposed to defending yourself or making it worse.
8. Don’t take it personally–but know sometimes it is personal.
Conventional wisdom suggests you should never take it personally when you deal with a negative person. I think it’s a little more complicated than that. You can’t write off everything someone says because they’re insensitive or untactful. An abrasive person can come at you in the worst possible way with a valid point.
Accept that you don’t deserve the excessive emotions in someone’s tone, but weigh their ideas with a willingness to learn. Some of the most useful lessons I’ve learned came from people I wished weren’t right. When you give someone credit who deep down doesn’t think they deserve it, you may inspire a profound shift in how they interpret the world.
9. Act instead of just reacting.
Oftentimes we wait until someone gets angry or depressed to address their persistently negative way of being. If you know someone who seems to deal with difficult thoughts or feelings (as demonstrated in their behavior) don’t wait for a situation to be part of the solution.
Give them a compliment for something they did well. Remind them of a moment when they were happy–as in Remember when you scored that touchdown during the company picnic? That was awesome! You’re more apt to want to boost them up when they haven’t brought you down. This may help mitigate that later, and also give them a little relief from their pain.
10. Maintain the right relationship based on reality as it is.
With my friend, I’m always wishing she could be more positive. I consistently put myself in situations where I feel bad because I want to help. Because I want her to be happy. I’ve recently realized the best I can do is accept her as she is, let her know I believe in her ability to be happy, and then give her space to make the choice.
That means hanging up after I’ve made an effort to help. Or cutting a night short if I’ve done all I can and it’s draining me. Hopefully she’ll want to change some day. Until then, all I can do is love her, while loving myself enough to take care of my needs. Which often means putting them first.
I’ve learned you can’t always save the world. But you can make the world a better place by working on yourself–by becoming self-aware, tapping into your compassion, and protecting your positive space. You may even help negative people by fostering a sense of peace their negativity can’t pierce.
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